Myside's Spew - Blog of Spontaneous Combustible Spew

Introduction to Puberty

17 March, 2011 13:14 CST6CDT

Your little body's changing, it's all good, believe me. The problem now is every time we jerk the gherkin we end up with a lot of unwanted sticky white stuff everywhere, right? So first order of business, no more socks. They are expensive, gumming up the works, plumbing wise. So you might be thinking to yourself, well Uncle Andy, what am I supposed to do with all that pearl jam if I cant spew it into Mr. sock? Glad you asked. You can have a lovely time tugging your tiger in the shower each morning, that eliminates the need for a goo glove. But the day is long, masturbation is fun, so unless you wanna take 4 or 5 showers every day, we're gonna need some other options here. So let's go with the basics. Tissues: perfectly acceptable backstop for all that creamy Italian, which can be rough when dry on such soft, sensitive skin, not to mention it can stick to your dick head like a *beep* band-aid, ouch. From there we move on to more lubricated flack catchers. Specifically, bananas: step 1, peel the banana. Step 2, slip the peel over your Randy Johnson, start pitching. Now for extra credit, warm up the peel in the microwave, NOT TOO HOT, serious yowza. Also, olive oil, moisturizer, honey, spit, butter, hair conditioner and Vaseline can all be used for lube. In my opinion, the best lube, is lube. So save your allowance and invest in some soon. Alright moving on, when you tug your Thomas on the toilet, shoot right into the bowl. In bed, soft t-shirts, perhaps a downy hand towel of your very own that you don't mind tossing after tossing. There's no such thing as polishing the raised scepter of love too much. It reduces stress, it enhances immune functions, also, practice makes perfect. So work on your control now while you're a solo artist, you'll be playing some long, happy duets in the future. Alright, class dismissed.

- [Weeds, Season 2, Episode 3]

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Main Entry:   spew   Pronunciation:   \ˈspyü\
Function: verb
Etymology: Middle English, from Old English spīwan; akin to Old High German spIwan to spit, Latin spuere, Greek ptyein   First Known Use: before 12th century

intransitive verb
  1. VOMIT
  2. to come forth in a flood or gush
  3. to ooze out as if under pressure : EXUDE
transitive verb
  1. VOMIT
  2. to send or cast forth with vigor or violence or in great quantity <a volcano spewing out ash> —often used with out —spew·er noun
Land where drunk cows swim and home to my daily hand